幽默文章 “索命”的侍者

熱情周到的服務，卻差點讓顧客氣暈了，why？

Waiter From Hell

Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese.

“Good evening.” The waiter said. “ Table for four?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Smoking or non?”

“Nonsmoking.”

“Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?”

“I guess indoors would be good.”

Then a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. “Good evening, my name is Paul, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?”

“No,” I said, “I’m just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I’ll have the filet mignon and baked potato.”

“Soup or salad?”

“Salad.”

“We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp.”

“just a mixed-green salad, okay?”

“Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?”

I didn’t want to make another decision. “Whatever you’ve got will be fine.”

“We have creamy Italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette, Thousand Island, honey Dijon, ranch…”

“Just bring me one. Surprise me.”

“Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?”

“Yeah.” I was curt. I was done with civility.

“And your baked potato…”

I knew what was coming. “I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don’t want anything on it.”

“No butter? No sour cream?”

“No.”

“No, chives?”

“No! Don’t you understand English?” I shouted. “ I don’t want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak.”

“Would you prefer the six-, eight- or 12-ounce steak, sir?”

“Whatever.”

“Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you.”

“Pauly Boy,” I said, “you are really starting to get me steamed”

“Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, diced carrots--”

That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, “How’d you like to settle this outside?”

“Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?”

“I prefer right here,” I said, and sucker-punched him.

He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn’t offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly.

When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned waiter right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the parmesan-whatever I wanted.

“No, no,” I said. “I’ll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water.”

“Yes, sir, right away,” he said. “Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water or club soda with a wedge of lime?”

索命侍者

記得下館子吃飯那種輕鬆愉快的滋味嗎？有人為你做飯菜，伺候你，事後替你收拾乾淨。你所要做的只是咀嚼、吞嚥和付帳。但是，那樣的時代一去不返了。如今，你感覺自己活像一隻實驗室中的老鼠，每要一塊奶酷都得費盡心機走出迷宮。

“晚上好”，領班説，“四位？”

“是的，謝謝。”

“是坐在有煙區還是非吸煙區？”

“非吸煙區。”

“今晚諸位想在户內用餐還是户外用餐？”

“我想户內不錯。”

接着，一位穿着和儀表比我們任何一個都神氣的年輕人來到桌前。“晚上好，我叫保羅，今晚由我為大家服務。諸位是不是休息幾分鐘再點菜？”

“不用了，”我説，“我只要有肉和土豆就成，就給我來份煎裏脊小牛排和一份烤土豆吧。”

“要湯還是色拉？”

“色拉。”

“我們有什錦色拉，棕櫚心色拉，還有極精緻的苣蕒菜拌小是色拉。”

“就要什錦色拉，行嗎？”

“遵命，先生。要什麼調料？”

我不想再作決定了。“無論什麼都行。”

“我們有意大利奶油調料，有藍奶酪，有醋油沙詞，有千島拉醬，有法國第戎蜜，有牧場……”

“隨便給我拿一樣，讓我驚喜一下。”

“意大利調料是我們的特色調料。上這個怎麼樣，先生？”

“好吧。”我簡單地答道。我對這套禮貌的問話煩透了。

“那麼您的烤土豆……”

我知道他下面要説什麼。“我只要烤土豆，你明白了嗎？我不想在上面加任何東西。”

“不要黃油？不要酸奶油？”

“不要。”

“不要細香葱？”

“不要！難道你不懂英語？”我吼道，“我不想在上面加任何東西。就給我一份烤土豆和一份牛排。”

“先生要6盎司的，8盎司的還是12盎司的牛排？”

“隨便。”

“您的牛排是要嫩的，半生的，適中的，略微過火的，還是熟爛的？如果您需要，我們還可以為您做成蝴蝶展翅狀。”

“保羅小子”我説，“你真讓我上火了。”

“那就來點清淡的蔬菜吧，先生。你喜歡清蒸花椰菜、奶汁玉米，炒美洲南瓜，戎蘿蔔丁……”

夠了。我把餐巾摔到地上，站起身，把臉湊近他那副得意洋洋的面孔説：“到外頭去解決這事兒，怎麼樣？”

“沒問題，先生。您想去停車場、小衚衕，還是餐館門口的大街？”

“我想就地解決。”説着，我一拳打了過去。他低頭躲過，然後用左鈎拳回擊我的眼睛正下方。整個晚上這是他第一次沒讓我選擇。我半醒半昏地癱在椅子上，這時候有個管事的匆匆趕來，把保羅訓斥了一番。

當我恢復神志，我看到那領班正在我面前，一副緊張不安的神情。他向我道歉，説要請我一杯，叫救護人員急救--我要求什麼都行。

“不，不必了，”我説，“我沒事的。給我一杯水就行了。”

“好的，先生，馬上就來”他説“你要進口礦泉水，蘇打水，還是蘇打水加片酸橙？”